Yes. I said it.
I also thoroughly agree with that statement. Here's why.
As I've been going through pretty huge and life-changing medical problems, my family has been physically nowhere near me. Granted my intestine decided to swell up in Saskatoon, which isn't convenient for anyone. It's given me so much time to think, in some scary and painful moments.
Let me preface this by saying I'm not a religious person, However from what I know, God, helped those in need, he didn't just pray for the sick, he visited them, and he served them. Let's imagine that when that blind guy came to he Jesus, Jesus said, "You're in my thoughts and prayers" and then left. That story would have turned out very differently.
We all do and say things in our lives almost out of habit. Like think of how many times you've said "Hey how are you?" and not actually listened for the answer. Lots, I know. I do this ALL the time, and I'm working incredibly hard to be more mindful. But we have these almost quips we say to each other to check off somewhere that we communicated with another person and therefore are okay.
Then when shit hits the fan, it's like even more so we don't know what to say and somewhere inside of us when we don't actually want to help or make a change we say, "Oh I'm so sorry for you, my thoughts and prayers are with you" As if kneeling down and speaking to yourself is of comfort to the person struggling. As if it replaces you being a present human in their life.
Hint: It doesn't.
For those of you who are reading this who are religious and believe that prayers heal, and God listens, I'm not saying any different, I'm happy you have something to believe in like that. I'm not saying that when you are authentically praying and thinking about someone that it's not needed or felt. I'm saying, that by using thoughts and prayers as an excuse to not serve or make changes you need to check yourself and be a better human. I know I have been doing it.
I can't tell you the many times my own mother and father over the course of the last terrifying 80 days have said, "I hope the doctors find something that works."
Or " I pray for your recovery"
Or the best, "My thoughts and prayers..." Blah blah blah.
As a human, but more so their daughter, I don't want their "thoughts" and prayers. I wanted them to hold me through my terrifying moments, sadly none of them could make it to me.
It's a crazy number because I have a huge family. Like 20 people huge.
So when I say that I was only 5 hours away from them, and NOT ONE person from my family showed up while I was laying in a hospital bed for 16 days I think I'm allowed to call bullshit on the "thoughts and prayers" because I'm hurt.
That being said, I didn't text every single one of them, (that's on me) and also I understand how life works, and people are busy, not everyone has the freedom to drop everything and travel to see me. I was just hurt when I found out they traveled to a camping trip instead of the hospital. A few family members knew, and I thought word would spread, but it didn't and that is a whole other problem I get to work on.
I did have support, I'm not saying my family doesn't care, because I know they do. I understand we all have our own lives, and having a condition like this, (which is hard to talk about) makes it more difficult. I don't think many people understood how sick I got, or how dangerous it was. I need to be better at being vulnerable, but somewhere along the lines, I started adapting and stopped being vulnerable, and that's another problem I'm dealing with. There's a pretty big eye opening list of things I'm going to work on.
From now on let's call thoughts and prayers (TNP)
If TNP were actions things would change more quickly in this world. From the mass shootings happening across the USA, to other horrific life events that sometimes tragically happen. Saying TNP without actions to back up causes unneeded pain. To the mother who lost her child at school, or the daughter alone in the hospital alike.
If we as humans pretend to feel bad for another's pain but don't actually care enough to do anything to make it better that's when we bring out the big TNP to checkmark. As if some higher power will say you are a better person because when someone was suffering rather than helping them you knelt down in the comfort of your own home and prayed.
Think back to the last time you said
You're in my thoughts and prayers," But here are my questions to you, I want honest answers.
How long were they actually in your TNP?
Did you actually think of them?
When was the moment you went on about your life without so much as checking in on the person you apparently are thinking about?
How long did their pain upset you?
Did you actually think and pray for them?
These are sincere questions. I really honestly want to know.
I remember before I had felt a real loss that I would say "You are in my TNP" Then when I lost Teina it changed to "How can I help you? Do you need someone? What more can I do" We may not be able to understand each other's pain, and we shouldn't have to. If we take time out of our lives to reach out to those that are in need if we truly care for them. Being far away can be difficult, I know I struggle staying attached and always being there, life gets insane. The last 2 months I've been in my own bubble of depression and loneliness. I've been hurt, and sad, I'm not angry in the slightest. I see all these areas within my own family, that I want to change. There are things happening in my family that not everyone knows about, and we all slightly get left out, which causes pain, and bigger problems. How can we be a support system without knowledge, or allowing past treatment of each other to get in the way.
To my family who I'm sure this is going to cause problems, It's not my intention. I know you did your best. let's talk about the bigger problems, I want to. I want to correct this. I was hurt, when all of you were having your Magrath days BBQ or the Tally Lake Camping trip, I felt as though I wasn't in your thoughts and prayers or you would have driven to see me. I was upset when I was rejected, and then get pictures from NASCAR. I was hurt, lonely, and scared for my life in a hospital bed. But mostly I was alone.
Now my family and I haven't always seen eye to eye. But for a family who totally believes in God, it's quite hypocritical how unforgiving they are towards me. I hope we can heal, and talk through this, I hope we can become closer and be an actual support system through. I hope that when we tell each other our thoughts and prayers are with them, that it means something, that there's action to it, because if not what's the point?
I also thoroughly agree with that statement. Here's why.
As I've been going through pretty huge and life-changing medical problems, my family has been physically nowhere near me. Granted my intestine decided to swell up in Saskatoon, which isn't convenient for anyone. It's given me so much time to think, in some scary and painful moments.
Let me preface this by saying I'm not a religious person, However from what I know, God, helped those in need, he didn't just pray for the sick, he visited them, and he served them. Let's imagine that when that blind guy came to he Jesus, Jesus said, "You're in my thoughts and prayers" and then left. That story would have turned out very differently.
We all do and say things in our lives almost out of habit. Like think of how many times you've said "Hey how are you?" and not actually listened for the answer. Lots, I know. I do this ALL the time, and I'm working incredibly hard to be more mindful. But we have these almost quips we say to each other to check off somewhere that we communicated with another person and therefore are okay.
Then when shit hits the fan, it's like even more so we don't know what to say and somewhere inside of us when we don't actually want to help or make a change we say, "Oh I'm so sorry for you, my thoughts and prayers are with you" As if kneeling down and speaking to yourself is of comfort to the person struggling. As if it replaces you being a present human in their life.
Hint: It doesn't.
For those of you who are reading this who are religious and believe that prayers heal, and God listens, I'm not saying any different, I'm happy you have something to believe in like that. I'm not saying that when you are authentically praying and thinking about someone that it's not needed or felt. I'm saying, that by using thoughts and prayers as an excuse to not serve or make changes you need to check yourself and be a better human. I know I have been doing it.
I can't tell you the many times my own mother and father over the course of the last terrifying 80 days have said, "I hope the doctors find something that works."
Or " I pray for your recovery"
Or the best, "My thoughts and prayers..." Blah blah blah.
As a human, but more so their daughter, I don't want their "thoughts" and prayers. I wanted them to hold me through my terrifying moments, sadly none of them could make it to me.
It's a crazy number because I have a huge family. Like 20 people huge.
So when I say that I was only 5 hours away from them, and NOT ONE person from my family showed up while I was laying in a hospital bed for 16 days I think I'm allowed to call bullshit on the "thoughts and prayers" because I'm hurt.
That being said, I didn't text every single one of them, (that's on me) and also I understand how life works, and people are busy, not everyone has the freedom to drop everything and travel to see me. I was just hurt when I found out they traveled to a camping trip instead of the hospital. A few family members knew, and I thought word would spread, but it didn't and that is a whole other problem I get to work on.
I did have support, I'm not saying my family doesn't care, because I know they do. I understand we all have our own lives, and having a condition like this, (which is hard to talk about) makes it more difficult. I don't think many people understood how sick I got, or how dangerous it was. I need to be better at being vulnerable, but somewhere along the lines, I started adapting and stopped being vulnerable, and that's another problem I'm dealing with. There's a pretty big eye opening list of things I'm going to work on.
From now on let's call thoughts and prayers (TNP)
If TNP were actions things would change more quickly in this world. From the mass shootings happening across the USA, to other horrific life events that sometimes tragically happen. Saying TNP without actions to back up causes unneeded pain. To the mother who lost her child at school, or the daughter alone in the hospital alike.
If we as humans pretend to feel bad for another's pain but don't actually care enough to do anything to make it better that's when we bring out the big TNP to checkmark. As if some higher power will say you are a better person because when someone was suffering rather than helping them you knelt down in the comfort of your own home and prayed.
Think back to the last time you said
You're in my thoughts and prayers," But here are my questions to you, I want honest answers.
How long were they actually in your TNP?
Did you actually think of them?
When was the moment you went on about your life without so much as checking in on the person you apparently are thinking about?
How long did their pain upset you?
Did you actually think and pray for them?
These are sincere questions. I really honestly want to know.
I remember before I had felt a real loss that I would say "You are in my TNP" Then when I lost Teina it changed to "How can I help you? Do you need someone? What more can I do" We may not be able to understand each other's pain, and we shouldn't have to. If we take time out of our lives to reach out to those that are in need if we truly care for them. Being far away can be difficult, I know I struggle staying attached and always being there, life gets insane. The last 2 months I've been in my own bubble of depression and loneliness. I've been hurt, and sad, I'm not angry in the slightest. I see all these areas within my own family, that I want to change. There are things happening in my family that not everyone knows about, and we all slightly get left out, which causes pain, and bigger problems. How can we be a support system without knowledge, or allowing past treatment of each other to get in the way.
To my family who I'm sure this is going to cause problems, It's not my intention. I know you did your best. let's talk about the bigger problems, I want to. I want to correct this. I was hurt, when all of you were having your Magrath days BBQ or the Tally Lake Camping trip, I felt as though I wasn't in your thoughts and prayers or you would have driven to see me. I was upset when I was rejected, and then get pictures from NASCAR. I was hurt, lonely, and scared for my life in a hospital bed. But mostly I was alone.
Now my family and I haven't always seen eye to eye. But for a family who totally believes in God, it's quite hypocritical how unforgiving they are towards me. I hope we can heal, and talk through this, I hope we can become closer and be an actual support system through. I hope that when we tell each other our thoughts and prayers are with them, that it means something, that there's action to it, because if not what's the point?
Thank you for sharing this perspective Shay! I honestly never really realized how true that is for my own cases of when I say that to others... Showing the actions of TNP is so much more impactful, and loving than that of just saying it. <3
ReplyDelete<3 So much love for you girl!
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