Living Life Under 5 Foot

Yes. I said it. I also thoroughly agree with that statement. Here's why. As I've been going through pretty huge and life-changing medical problems, my family has been physically nowhere near me. Granted my intestine decided to swell up in Saskatoon, which isn't convenient for anyone. It's given me so much time to think, in some scary and painful moments. Let me preface this by saying I'm not a religious person,  However from what I know, God, helped those in need, he didn't just pray for the sick,  he visited them, and he served them. Let's imagine that when that blind guy came to he Jesus, Jesus said, "You're in my thoughts and prayers" and then left. That story would have turned out very differently. We all do and say things in our lives almost out of habit. Like think of how many times you've said "Hey how are you?" and not actually listened for the answer. Lots, I know. I do this ALL the time, and I'm working incr...

When I was a little girl, and it was recess I would run straight for the swing set. Teina, Josi, Dallin, and I would hurry our butts out to get the swings that we knew could go the highest. Then we would swing. We would jump off (sometimes get in trouble) and continue to swing. It became a place of peace for me. I never needed to worry about anything else other than pumping my legs, holding on, and letting go at the right time. I remember having major conversations on those swing sets, I remember tears, loneliness, happiness, and friendship. Lately, when I close my eyes I'm right back on that swing set, enjoying every moment of recess. Why is it that when we grow up we naturally leave the things that brought us peace and comfort as children? Why do we feel like we need something more in order to "properly" take care of our selves? Something so simple would bring such peace, and now in a time in my life where peace seems to be the last thing I can find, tod...

! Do I have what it takes? I've asked myself that about 436,598 times over the past 5 years, and in the course of my life.. I know I've asked it even more than that. Being self employed is not an easy task all the time, it's giving up partying on weekends, it's staying home to plan work, or to onboard a client. It's dealing with clients who preach one thing and practice another. It's knowing who you are in and out of the business. This week my friend and I watched Spider-man Homecoming.. okay.. we watched it for like the 5th time.. but whatever.. the point of it is.. there's a moment where Peter is talking to Tony and he says, "You can't take this suit, I'm nothing without it" Then Tony says, "If you are nothing without the suit then you shouldn't have it." Later when it builds to the pinnacle part of the story Peter is crushed under half a building, and he's trying to stand.. it's a very emotional moment fo...

When I was a baby there's pictures of me with a light pink ABC blanket that I would drag around the house, and carry with me. When I was a child I had a blanket that my grandmother made me. It was brown fuzzy on the inside, and had pound puppies on the outside. I would hide under that blanket and then I knew I was safe. I would take it on trips, I'd bring it in the car when it was cold outside. (because I didn't have heated seats. As I grew up, certain comforts were taken from me, and my blanket was MY safe place. It was my place of help and healing. When I would have bad days in high school I'd hide under that blanket. I'd pretend that as long as I didn't come out that I would be fine. When I was in college my step mom made me a fuzzy cowboys blanket that I've always had with me. When I'm sick, or went into the hospital this blue fuzzy blanket was with me. Shielding me from the pains I knew were about to happen. When I had my first heartbreak,...

2 2018 went by in a blur. And not in a bad way. It just sped past, as quickly as time would allow. So now I'm sitting here in an airport looking at the calendar and seeing 2019 stare directly back at me. As I'm prepping this year for certain goals, and ways I want to better myself, my business, my friends, and my relationships, I can't help but think of you. Each January as it rings in a new year, there's a tiny hole in my heart that feels so much bigger. There's sections of my life that I get so excited for, and then there's the date... the date I dread. The date that no matter how much I pretend it's not coming, or that it's just a number, that I'll somehow forget the day I lost you. This airport is busy, everyone is walking so fast, running around, getting grumpy and rushing to make their flights after the holidays, no one is sitting still, or cuddling together, in fact I've seen very few hands being held other than a rather good esc...

I've had the time lately to sit around and think. Not many people in our generation actually get that time. No my thinking did not come while I was watching Netflix, reading a book, or listening to music. My thinking came while I've been alone, stuck waiting, with my thoughts. Yeesh. I don't know about you, but sometimes for me that's scary place to be. This time it really was. Fear is SUCH a powerful emotion. There's this small place in your brain called the amygdala that helps you process emotions, and within those emotions, it notifies your brain when you are scared. The amygdala is an interesting under explored location within your grey matter. But from what we do know is that you can help program your fear receptors at any point in your life. Meaning you can literally change your fears. Beginning the process depending on your fear can be done alone, or with a professional. (If your fears are massive, deabliatatiing, or anxiety please see a psychological ...

I’ve been struggling to find my voice lately, I think I may have just gotten ever so slightly lost in adventure that I forgot myself. I forgot things I loved, and parts of myself, and I’m just working on bringing them back. Also I've been working on maybe rebranding, and changing things up a bit.. I’ve been seeing a bunch on “toxic people” lately on my social media, and I really wanted to put my educated thoughts into words. So here it is. Enjoy it or don't it's your choice. I don't believe there are “toxic people” however that being said I do believe that, “some people can be toxic to you.” We are all different humans made up of millions of hormones, emotions, traumas, and nerve connections. Each of those play an important role in who we are and how we react to sections of our lives. I’ve had a friend say lately that she wishes she was “dead inside” so she could react more like me. It’s really stuck in my brain. Then I had someone ...

I used to hate the feeling of forced restarts. They kind of always sucked. Usually it was a broken heart, or massive disappointment. This time, it was a choice. I chose to restart my life. That's okay. Sometimes things don't work out, and sometimes people let us down. That's okay too. It's their choice just as much as it's yours. Restarting doesn't have to be scary, crazy, or life changing. It can be as simple as every day telling yourself that you are okay, you are worth something, and you deserve love. Each day is a chance for us to restart and reevaluate our lives. This world has made it so we need to check all these little boxes in order to be a "real adults" (barf) HOW LAME IS THAT. Let me tell you, I'm so done living a life dictated by people who have no interest in me other than money. If you don't want to go to school, don't.  If you can't fathom the idea of children, don't have them.  If you want a love that last...

10 days ago I was changing locations on my travels through Utah. I packed up my mini cooper with my workout bag (this included 3 pairs of shoes, headphones, 5 pairs of yoga pants, 3 sports bras, 7 tank tops, my shower stuff, and deodorant) then I loaded up my 2 long boards, one being a Land Yatchz and the other my sector 9, finally I put my  Cannon camera bag, (It had my 7D a 50mm 1.4 lens, and a 35-118 1.8 lens in it. Along with a charger 4 batters, camera strap, and all my business cards). I thought to myself, I'm going to run across the street, grab a coffee then load my final bag into my car and take off to Roy. So that's what I did, however when I returned from across the street to my utter horror my window had been smashed, and everything from my car was gone. After I called the cops, and some friends to come and help I turned into a catatonic mess. I literally stood by my window and stared at my car for hours. Finally I decided I looked like a psychopath and therefore ...

They say a girl marries her father.  Well luckily mine is the best daddy in all the land. Now that's not saying he's perfect, because he's not. In fact, he is flawed, very flawed. At times I questioned my need for a father, I doubted his honest caring, and I felt the impact of his absence. It was rocky, and difficult to maintain at times, but isn't that what love is? But the fact is, he taught me how to love, and if you don't believe me, I have proof, with pictures!  1) When I was a little girl my dad took me on a daddy daughter date. We walked around, and talked, we got ice cream and played at a park. It wasn't anything special and he didn't buy me the world, but he showed me the value of communication. 2) When I was a bratty tween he travelled 8 hours one way every other week to see me. Even if I didn't / couldn't see him. Sometimes he would drive all the way up just to turn around a drive back. This wasn't a huge thing to...

Divorce does the same thing to each person however, we all deal with it differently, and we all get a little screwed up in the process. We don’t understand the why of divorce and the direct effect on the mind, but we can see the changes in a life.   "Studies have shown that that children of divorce are far more likely to be delinquent, engage in premarital sex, and bear children out of wedlock during adolescence and young adulthood. A 33-year study published in 1998 in the American Sociological Review revealed that children whose parents divorced in their childhood or adolescence were likely to be afflicted with emotional problems such as depression or anxiety well into their twenties or early thirties." [Maher, B. (2003) Patching Up the American Family. World and I, v18 i1 p56. Retrieved June 9, 2004 from Expanded Academic ASAP]  Many children of divorce struggle with identity. 47 % of children deal with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, or anore...

It's always been just me. Here, never in a lonely way. It's a simple way. A happy way. It's always been me. Then I met you. Suddenly it had to be you and me? At least that's what I was lead to believe. But then sometimes it turned to just me and just you. And if it's not us is it just me again? At least it's always been me. I know how to deal with me. But you, even through the years, I don't comprehend you. I'm unsure if I ever will. Though I'm sure the you, tries to love the me, the best way you can. It'll never be the love the me needs to feel loved. So I'll go back to me, and you go back to you. Till then next time when the you, wants to be the part of me. And then the we, will restart the cycle, As the me, was once a part of the you.

Saying goodbye to consistency. That's how I felt when a new driver took my 1994 Toyota Camry. For those of you who have ever sat or had the privilege of driving in my car would attest that this wouldn't be something to even feel remotely sad about. Since she (my car we will call her Rikka) sounded like a dump truck, only unlocked from the passenger door, rattled whenever we sped up, radio didn't work because the antenna was snipped.. and many more funny quirks, it still was a little bitter sweet, and here's why. I bought my car when I was 17 for only $1,500, she then moved me to Utah with my whole life in her, drove me to school, work, shopping, and back to Canada when my friends were killed, I sat in her when I cried, she listened to me belt out my favourite songs (which isn't pretty because I'm a terrible singer). Anytime I've prepped for a speech, she gets to be the thing to hear it over and over again. She then moved me back to Canada to experience m...

I wouldn't classify myself as an overly emotional human. Some might even say unemotional. But Me? I say that's not true. I tend to show happiness and anger (very well) on a consistent basis. Well, this girl went to a children's movie called Inside Out (Warning there are spoilers throughout) Anyways, there I was sitting with my pop and popcorn and was expecting to be entertained. Instead I had my heart pulled out of my chest and placed nicely in my hands, making me feel as if this movie was about my life, and that I needed to examine it.  Needless to say this unemotional girl held back tears in a pixar movie. This is why. Grief. It's a hard emotion to wrap around. This film is about a girl who at the age of 12 gets uprooted from her life, moves across the country, losing relationships with all old friends, and barely being able to see her father. Basically all sense of stability is stolen from her. How the film continues is through the 'lives' of t...

I recently entered a scholarship essay for what you would say to your past self.  This is my entry, feel free to give feedback.  Shay, There is so much I want to tell you, but somehow I feel like that will take the much needed mystery out of life. All I can offer is vague statements that cover basic topics you will deal with  throughout your life. Shay, life is so valuable, and soon you will understand the meaning of a moment, therefore spend your time with those people and things who actually matter, don't waste it on frivolous things.  Go easy on the teenage years. I promise it's a tough enough time for everyone, maybe try to make it easier on those who are in your life. Find something that you are passionate about, and spend the time needed to become amazing at it. Talents are more important than you could ever imagine. You can make it through everything that is going to come your way, if you stand true to your smile, and keep smiling, you will conquer...

We don't chose how we get hurt in life. But we do get a choice in who hurts us.  Forgive me for the lack of blogs lately, life has seemed to combust on the hinges and I didn't know what to write as emptiness filled my soul to the deepest parts. Then over the past few days I kept thinking, I need to do something. Therefore I went on a walk, and gathered some thoughts. Here are my raw thoughts.  I am not strong enough for the life that was given me. ( Now this is not a depression post.) But it's true. I'm not strong enough. In my weak moments when I'm alone, I sob. I hurt, and I sometimes can't move. I simply am not strong enough.  I know some of you are thinking that this cannot be the case because you see me climbing things, dancing, socializing, going to work, and carrying on with my life. And yes, I do do all those things. I accomplish them because of the people that are in my life that hold me up when I want to give up. I venture to hope I help oth...

Dear people of the blog world, please do not take the following as ranting, please finishing reading. This year has been..... unexpected. Hard in very different ways from last year. I mean last year stretched me, taught me, hurt me, and loved me. This year? It's almost broken me. Grief is one of the most powerful human emotions a brain and body can feel. Why is that you ask? It's because it's the only emotional pain that manifests itself physically. My grieving process was intensified by losing my grandpa Eric. Now go ahead and say whatever you want like, "well he lived a full life" or "he's out of pain" or "He's watching over you" or "how are you doing?" Any of those will get you a swift punch to the throat. Why? (you may ask) Because, it's my grief and you cannot tell me how to grieve. Those words aren't comforting. They don't fix the gapping hole in my life where a life used to be. I know those thin...

Sometimes we get it wrong. We simply get it wrong. On occasion it's because we are too stubborn to admit we are wrong, other  times its because we just didn't know. But just because we got it wrong doesn't mean we have to stay in pain for the rest of our young lives. It doesn't mean our hearts will be shattered forever. You know that saying, the one everyone says when you break up? It goes a little like this, 'At least you learned something.... right? ' Gosh. Doesn't that phrase piss you off? Yes, it bothers me as well. It takes time, TONS of time before a glimmer can even happen. After dating a man for almost two years, and being alone for the past year, I have decided to try what they all say, and figure out what I learned. Here are the ramblings of a stressed out college girl piecing her life together. Lesson 1: Not all the time is it a 'me' problem.  A relationship takes two willing adults to make it function. No matter how hard you try,...

Two months down, and it feels like forever to go, and  not in the good way. PEOPLE OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!! Put down your phones, and spend time with people in your life. Open up to everyone. Life is too short to hold grudges, be angry, and be alone. Find people who bring happiness, and cherish every minute with them. At the end of the day it won't be the amount of money you've made that makes you happy. It's the memories that form in the unlikeliest of places. I don't often open up about things, but this week has me raw. My cousin Teina was such a dear, close friend. Sometimes I would say we were sisters. Our sense of humour was the same (which made telling jokes easy) She loved life, and loved people (even though she pretended to hate them) there was a happiness about her that I have yet to find with her begin gone, and I won't ever find it. Time doesn't heal us, time allows us to grow, learn, cope and develop. For the rest of my life I will miss my Teina, ...

Yes, that's the starting line to the theme song from the hit TV series Friends. Have I started watching it for the first time? Yes again. We are told since we are young that as we grow up we gain responsibility, maturity, happy memories, and we build a life. The things people tend to leave out is that life doesn't tell us the way all those will happen. We just know they will. As I have been mourning and dealing with my sweet cousins death, I watched friends, and heard that first line and realized that's how I felt. NO ONE TOLD ME. No one told me my life would look like this, I couldn't have guessed this is where I would be, or this is what I would have had to go through to get here.  I'm not saying my life is hard, because trust me, I don't want to poke that horse, life could be a lot worse, and thankfully it's not. But that doesn't mean we don't all hurt, or feel a little stolen in the way things turn out. When my friend Renzo was kill...