Living Life Under 5 Foot

When I was a little girl, and it was recess I would run straight for the swing set. Teina, Josi, Dallin, and I would hurry our butts out to get the swings that we knew could go the highest. Then we would swing. We would jump off (sometimes get in trouble) and continue to swing. It became a place of peace for me. I never needed to worry about anything else other than pumping my legs, holding on, and letting go at the right time. I remember having major conversations on those swing sets, I remember tears, loneliness, happiness, and friendship. Lately, when I close my eyes I'm right back on that swing set, enjoying every moment of recess. Why is it that when we grow up we naturally leave the things that brought us peace and comfort as children? Why do we feel like we need something more in order to "properly" take care of our selves? Something so simple would bring such peace, and now in a time in my life where peace seems to be the last thing I can find, tod...

! I'm just a girl sitting here, wondering about the mysteries of the universe. I sat outside on a starry night under the blood wolf super moon waiting to feel the change the air has inside of it. "I'm searching for authentic, true, and loyal people who deeply love me." I whisper to myself as my shutter clicks. I felt the change I was seeking start to take root, I knew it would soon grow, but I was not prepared for what it would bring. I was not prepared to have you standing in the sun. There was no way I planned that there would be no more shadows surrounding who you were, and more so who I was in relation. The change in the air, brought in the truth I needed to visualize what was happening. Since that moment a shift has happened, to me, in clarity. It was like the blinders were ripped off and I was thrust in to the brightness of the noon day sun. I could see everything, there's no shadows, no more questions, no more doubt, only knowl...

When I was a baby there's pictures of me with a light pink ABC blanket that I would drag around the house, and carry with me. When I was a child I had a blanket that my grandmother made me. It was brown fuzzy on the inside, and had pound puppies on the outside. I would hide under that blanket and then I knew I was safe. I would take it on trips, I'd bring it in the car when it was cold outside. (because I didn't have heated seats. As I grew up, certain comforts were taken from me, and my blanket was MY safe place. It was my place of help and healing. When I would have bad days in high school I'd hide under that blanket. I'd pretend that as long as I didn't come out that I would be fine. When I was in college my step mom made me a fuzzy cowboys blanket that I've always had with me. When I'm sick, or went into the hospital this blue fuzzy blanket was with me. Shielding me from the pains I knew were about to happen. When I had my first heartbreak,...

! Lately I've been having this weird sense of apathy. Then that compounded into loneliness. Which in turn became sadness and created this feeling that I had lost myself. Like I was just going through the motions. My body was here but my mind wanted to be elsewhere.  Eventually when I looked in the mirror I know longer saw the happy go lucky, free woman I've been striving to become. It's like everything I was working towards was leading me away from who I wanted to be. I left my room feeling empty and more-so frustrated at everything. Friends during this time didn't understand what was happening because I wasn't talking about it. Therefore I wasn't seeking help, instead I was seeking isolation. One bad night turned into a full 7 days of this horrible feeling that stayed in the corners of my mind. Finally one night where I felt completely unvalidated and alone, I knew I needed to take matters into my hands if I was goin...

I've had the time lately to sit around and think. Not many people in our generation actually get that time. No my thinking did not come while I was watching Netflix, reading a book, or listening to music. My thinking came while I've been alone, stuck waiting, with my thoughts. Yeesh. I don't know about you, but sometimes for me that's scary place to be. This time it really was. Fear is SUCH a powerful emotion. There's this small place in your brain called the amygdala that helps you process emotions, and within those emotions, it notifies your brain when you are scared. The amygdala is an interesting under explored location within your grey matter. But from what we do know is that you can help program your fear receptors at any point in your life. Meaning you can literally change your fears. Beginning the process depending on your fear can be done alone, or with a professional. (If your fears are massive, deabliatatiing, or anxiety please see a psychological ...

I’ve been struggling to find my voice lately, I think I may have just gotten ever so slightly lost in adventure that I forgot myself. I forgot things I loved, and parts of myself, and I’m just working on bringing them back. Also I've been working on maybe rebranding, and changing things up a bit.. I’ve been seeing a bunch on “toxic people” lately on my social media, and I really wanted to put my educated thoughts into words. So here it is. Enjoy it or don't it's your choice. I don't believe there are “toxic people” however that being said I do believe that, “some people can be toxic to you.” We are all different humans made up of millions of hormones, emotions, traumas, and nerve connections. Each of those play an important role in who we are and how we react to sections of our lives. I’ve had a friend say lately that she wishes she was “dead inside” so she could react more like me. It’s really stuck in my brain. Then I had someone ...

I used to hate the feeling of forced restarts. They kind of always sucked. Usually it was a broken heart, or massive disappointment. This time, it was a choice. I chose to restart my life. That's okay. Sometimes things don't work out, and sometimes people let us down. That's okay too. It's their choice just as much as it's yours. Restarting doesn't have to be scary, crazy, or life changing. It can be as simple as every day telling yourself that you are okay, you are worth something, and you deserve love. Each day is a chance for us to restart and reevaluate our lives. This world has made it so we need to check all these little boxes in order to be a "real adults" (barf) HOW LAME IS THAT. Let me tell you, I'm so done living a life dictated by people who have no interest in me other than money. If you don't want to go to school, don't.  If you can't fathom the idea of children, don't have them.  If you want a love that last...

10 days ago I was changing locations on my travels through Utah. I packed up my mini cooper with my workout bag (this included 3 pairs of shoes, headphones, 5 pairs of yoga pants, 3 sports bras, 7 tank tops, my shower stuff, and deodorant) then I loaded up my 2 long boards, one being a Land Yatchz and the other my sector 9, finally I put my  Cannon camera bag, (It had my 7D a 50mm 1.4 lens, and a 35-118 1.8 lens in it. Along with a charger 4 batters, camera strap, and all my business cards). I thought to myself, I'm going to run across the street, grab a coffee then load my final bag into my car and take off to Roy. So that's what I did, however when I returned from across the street to my utter horror my window had been smashed, and everything from my car was gone. After I called the cops, and some friends to come and help I turned into a catatonic mess. I literally stood by my window and stared at my car for hours. Finally I decided I looked like a psychopath and therefore ...

People spend their whole lives searching for the elusive happiness, however what they don't understand is they posses it in themselves and have had it captive for as many years as they are searching for it. When people say happiness is a choice, they mean it. This life sucks sometimes. Hearts become casualties, lovers turn to strangers, best friends pass away, and worst of all sometimes we lose sight of our happiness. For me, happiness is a struggle. I tend to wear my emotions very visibly, maybe this is a good thing, but that also means when I'm aching, it's hard to choose happiness. I want to hide under a blanket and never surface. I would almost always choose to hide then to show my vulnerable side. This could most likely be a flaw within myself, a flaw that I am working on for sure. However it also shows my true self, and sometimes my true self doesn't choose happiness, because I'm human, and humans occasionally suck. But the wonderful thing about happines...

They say a girl marries her father.  Well luckily mine is the best daddy in all the land. Now that's not saying he's perfect, because he's not. In fact, he is flawed, very flawed. At times I questioned my need for a father, I doubted his honest caring, and I felt the impact of his absence. It was rocky, and difficult to maintain at times, but isn't that what love is? But the fact is, he taught me how to love, and if you don't believe me, I have proof, with pictures!  1) When I was a little girl my dad took me on a daddy daughter date. We walked around, and talked, we got ice cream and played at a park. It wasn't anything special and he didn't buy me the world, but he showed me the value of communication. 2) When I was a bratty tween he travelled 8 hours one way every other week to see me. Even if I didn't / couldn't see him. Sometimes he would drive all the way up just to turn around a drive back. This wasn't a huge thing to...

I can recall all the times I've cried. I know that sounds silly, but hey, I'm a little odd. I can remember crying when I was a child over my cousin biting my teddy bears head off. I cried when I moved to Canada. I cried when I got attacked by a hornets nest. I cried when my cousin scared me so bad I fell out of my house. I cried the day I understood what it meant to be alone. And I cried when I lost you. I've cried in joy, in happiness, in fear,  sadness, and I've cried in grief. Some cultures think it's healthy to cry, to let out those emotions that are on the inside, yet our culture tends to frown upon tears as to some it seems like a showing of weakness. Me? I tried to not cry in public because crying hurts my eyes, it hurts my brain, and it thoroughly hurts my pride. To admit I'm feeling a pain I cannot express is a difficult thing to measure up to. Yet sometimes without warning things that have been suppressed emerge through my eyes. But l...

Saying goodbye to consistency. That's how I felt when a new driver took my 1994 Toyota Camry. For those of you who have ever sat or had the privilege of driving in my car would attest that this wouldn't be something to even feel remotely sad about. Since she (my car we will call her Rikka) sounded like a dump truck, only unlocked from the passenger door, rattled whenever we sped up, radio didn't work because the antenna was snipped.. and many more funny quirks, it still was a little bitter sweet, and here's why. I bought my car when I was 17 for only $1,500, she then moved me to Utah with my whole life in her, drove me to school, work, shopping, and back to Canada when my friends were killed, I sat in her when I cried, she listened to me belt out my favourite songs (which isn't pretty because I'm a terrible singer). Anytime I've prepped for a speech, she gets to be the thing to hear it over and over again. She then moved me back to Canada to experience m...

I wouldn't classify myself as an overly emotional human. Some might even say unemotional. But Me? I say that's not true. I tend to show happiness and anger (very well) on a consistent basis. Well, this girl went to a children's movie called Inside Out (Warning there are spoilers throughout) Anyways, there I was sitting with my pop and popcorn and was expecting to be entertained. Instead I had my heart pulled out of my chest and placed nicely in my hands, making me feel as if this movie was about my life, and that I needed to examine it.  Needless to say this unemotional girl held back tears in a pixar movie. This is why. Grief. It's a hard emotion to wrap around. This film is about a girl who at the age of 12 gets uprooted from her life, moves across the country, losing relationships with all old friends, and barely being able to see her father. Basically all sense of stability is stolen from her. How the film continues is through the 'lives' of t...

Sometimes we get it wrong. We simply get it wrong. On occasion it's because we are too stubborn to admit we are wrong, other  times its because we just didn't know. But just because we got it wrong doesn't mean we have to stay in pain for the rest of our young lives. It doesn't mean our hearts will be shattered forever. You know that saying, the one everyone says when you break up? It goes a little like this, 'At least you learned something.... right? ' Gosh. Doesn't that phrase piss you off? Yes, it bothers me as well. It takes time, TONS of time before a glimmer can even happen. After dating a man for almost two years, and being alone for the past year, I have decided to try what they all say, and figure out what I learned. Here are the ramblings of a stressed out college girl piecing her life together. Lesson 1: Not all the time is it a 'me' problem.  A relationship takes two willing adults to make it function. No matter how hard you try,...

I have been pondering this post for quite a while. For many reasons. One of which I want it to be different than last year ( Summing it up through songs ) but I also didn't want to be too personal with it. Now, I think I've got the best idea for how to end this. I call it my 2014 mantra. Here it goes.  I've learned not everyone can be trusted, that not everyone will love you back, and maybe they might not even like you. I've learned you can survive a broken heart even when the pieces never fit together again. I've learned many will use, abuse, and hurt you. Some will step on you to get ahead. Not everyone you love will help you to be better, and family isn't the only support. I've learned standing up after you've fallen is more important than the fall itself.  But mostly I've learned that through everything there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There are people who will help you. Others will love you! And some will change the course ...

In a life of media ridden information, and instant technology so many people have such a strong say in each of our lives. This week I was browsing through Facebook and came across the following articles: 10 types of guys you shouldn't date 10 qualities you should be looking for  7 things tall people have a harder time at  5 ways to tell they are cheating 14 ways to be able to tell they love you 5 types of people in this world 6 ways to get over him 23 things that make a best friend How to tell when you are ready to date again Ways to see that you love him 30 different celebrities doing..... (who knows what I can't remember)  But needless to say I was looking and these and wondering, do we really rely on one person somewhere behind a desk to tell us how we feel? Do we often sit and wait for life to happen, then consult google before reacting? How do we live our lives? They say the best way to power through things is to not "allow" yourself to get...

I can't pretend like I have had tons of extra time to Blog lately. Not saying I didn't make time for it, because I did, I just didn't have anything to say. Sometimes ideas come into my head, and I just know what to write, and other times it's just titles. The past week or so it's just been a title. "I can do hard things" Maybe I've been thinking of this because it's just a positive affirmation for me. Maybe it's because I need to remind myself, or who knows maybe I'm bracing for the future. With school, work, and teaching all starting again there is no doubt that it will be slightly hard. I think at every new beginning there is something hard. At every end, there's something hard, and on the in-betweens there is something hard. I guess life is just something hard. Today my lovely mother and I were talking about what it's like to be 17. Do you remember? I know I do. I thought I was invincible. I thought I knew everythin...