Living Life Under 5 Foot

"This might be it." "Breathe." "I know it hurts, but breathe Shay. You need to breathe." For a moment I start to forget how important oxygen is, it’s like my body stops caring about breathing, it hurts too much, and it’s way too much work for the little o2 that’s coming to me. My body starts to comfort itself, things are going tingly, dark, and I’m getting cold. I can feel the laboring slowing down. The pain increases again, my eyes start to close, and my feet are completely numb. I feel a cold tear drip down the side of my face as my world slips into darkness.   "No."   "Wake up."   "This isn’t it for you." "You aren’t going like this."   I force another painful breath in.   "Ouch."   I could go on, and in more detail, however for the sake of my very terrified brain, that's the only piece you'll get from my journal. That came the second night I was

Yes. I said it. I also thoroughly agree with that statement. Here's why. As I've been going through pretty huge and life-changing medical problems, my family has been physically nowhere near me. Granted my intestine decided to swell up in Saskatoon, which isn't convenient for anyone. It's given me so much time to think, in some scary and painful moments. Let me preface this by saying I'm not a religious person,  However from what I know, God, helped those in need, he didn't just pray for the sick,  he visited them, and he served them. Let's imagine that when that blind guy came to he Jesus, Jesus said, "You're in my thoughts and prayers" and then left. That story would have turned out very differently. We all do and say things in our lives almost out of habit. Like think of how many times you've said "Hey how are you?" and not actually listened for the answer. Lots, I know. I do this ALL the time, and I'm working incr

When I was a little girl, and it was recess I would run straight for the swing set. Teina, Josi, Dallin, and I would hurry our butts out to get the swings that we knew could go the highest. Then we would swing. We would jump off (sometimes get in trouble) and continue to swing. It became a place of peace for me. I never needed to worry about anything else other than pumping my legs, holding on, and letting go at the right time. I remember having major conversations on those swing sets, I remember tears, loneliness, happiness, and friendship. Lately, when I close my eyes I'm right back on that swing set, enjoying every moment of recess. Why is it that when we grow up we naturally leave the things that brought us peace and comfort as children? Why do we feel like we need something more in order to "properly" take care of our selves? Something so simple would bring such peace, and now in a time in my life where peace seems to be the last thing I can find, tod

! Prologue:  I've been contemplating if I was going to post this, because it's so personal, too raw, and I didn't want it to be attention gathering. Then a dear friend of mine told me we only go through things alone when we keep everything to ourselves and stay alone. So here it is. Chapter 1: Raw and Emotional.  I've been reading so many success stories, and seeing all these motivational quotes, and everything that tells us to keep going. That failure doesn't define us. I've seen the pictures that show all that successful people who have made it through hell, and back and somehow have come out on top. We call them fighters, survivors. We live in this world where we focus on that end of the spectrum that when we are in the thick of the hell.. it's almost more isolating. I'm sick of hearing "You're a fighter, you'll make it through this." or "Everything you go through will make you stronger. While I'm not arguing

! Do I have what it takes? I've asked myself that about 436,598 times over the past 5 years, and in the course of my life.. I know I've asked it even more than that. Being self employed is not an easy task all the time, it's giving up partying on weekends, it's staying home to plan work, or to onboard a client. It's dealing with clients who preach one thing and practice another. It's knowing who you are in and out of the business. This week my friend and I watched Spider-man Homecoming.. okay.. we watched it for like the 5th time.. but whatever.. the point of it is.. there's a moment where Peter is talking to Tony and he says, "You can't take this suit, I'm nothing without it" Then Tony says, "If you are nothing without the suit then you shouldn't have it." Later when it builds to the pinnacle part of the story Peter is crushed under half a building, and he's trying to stand.. it's a very emotional moment fo

! I'm just a girl sitting here, wondering about the mysteries of the universe. I sat outside on a starry night under the blood wolf super moon waiting to feel the change the air has inside of it. "I'm searching for authentic, true, and loyal people who deeply love me." I whisper to myself as my shutter clicks. I felt the change I was seeking start to take root, I knew it would soon grow, but I was not prepared for what it would bring. I was not prepared to have you standing in the sun. There was no way I planned that there would be no more shadows surrounding who you were, and more so who I was in relation. The change in the air, brought in the truth I needed to visualize what was happening. Since that moment a shift has happened, to me, in clarity. It was like the blinders were ripped off and I was thrust in to the brightness of the noon day sun. I could see everything, there's no shadows, no more questions, no more doubt, only knowl

When I was a baby there's pictures of me with a light pink ABC blanket that I would drag around the house, and carry with me. When I was a child I had a blanket that my grandmother made me. It was brown fuzzy on the inside, and had pound puppies on the outside. I would hide under that blanket and then I knew I was safe. I would take it on trips, I'd bring it in the car when it was cold outside. (because I didn't have heated seats. As I grew up, certain comforts were taken from me, and my blanket was MY safe place. It was my place of help and healing. When I would have bad days in high school I'd hide under that blanket. I'd pretend that as long as I didn't come out that I would be fine. When I was in college my step mom made me a fuzzy cowboys blanket that I've always had with me. When I'm sick, or went into the hospital this blue fuzzy blanket was with me. Shielding me from the pains I knew were about to happen. When I had my first heartbreak,

! Lately I've been having this weird sense of apathy. Then that compounded into loneliness. Which in turn became sadness and created this feeling that I had lost myself. Like I was just going through the motions. My body was here but my mind wanted to be elsewhere.  Eventually when I looked in the mirror I know longer saw the happy go lucky, free woman I've been striving to become. It's like everything I was working towards was leading me away from who I wanted to be. I left my room feeling empty and more-so frustrated at everything. Friends during this time didn't understand what was happening because I wasn't talking about it. Therefore I wasn't seeking help, instead I was seeking isolation. One bad night turned into a full 7 days of this horrible feeling that stayed in the corners of my mind. Finally one night where I felt completely unvalidated and alone, I knew I needed to take matters into my hands if I was goin

2 2018 went by in a blur. And not in a bad way. It just sped past, as quickly as time would allow. So now I'm sitting here in an airport looking at the calendar and seeing 2019 stare directly back at me. As I'm prepping this year for certain goals, and ways I want to better myself, my business, my friends, and my relationships, I can't help but think of you. Each January as it rings in a new year, there's a tiny hole in my heart that feels so much bigger. There's sections of my life that I get so excited for, and then there's the date... the date I dread. The date that no matter how much I pretend it's not coming, or that it's just a number, that I'll somehow forget the day I lost you. This airport is busy, everyone is walking so fast, running around, getting grumpy and rushing to make their flights after the holidays, no one is sitting still, or cuddling together, in fact I've seen very few hands being held other than a rather good esc