To the Moment When I Thought I was Dying

"This might be it."

"Breathe."

"I know it hurts, but breathe Shay. You need to breathe."

For a moment I start to forget how important oxygen is, it’s like my body stops caring about breathing, it hurts too much, and it’s way too much work for the little o2 that’s coming to me. My body starts to comfort itself, things are going tingly, dark, and I’m getting cold. I can feel the laboring slowing down. The pain increases again, my eyes start to close, and my feet are completely numb. I feel a cold tear drip down the side of my face as my world slips into darkness. 

"No." 

"Wake up." 

"This isn’t it for you."

"You aren’t going like this." 

I force another painful breath in. 

"Ouch." 

I could go on, and in more detail, however for the sake of my very terrified brain, that's the only piece you'll get from my journal. That came the second night I was in the hospital. There was this moment during that intense pain where my brain starting doing what I think was my goodbye loop. There was no music like the movies say, however, there were quick and long flashes of moments and thoughts. 

I thought about that bucket list of things I haven't gotten around to. 

I thought about my family, and how far apart we are. 

I thought about Alibi. 

I thought about all the things I'd leave unsaid, or undone. 

I thought about how much of a mess my life would be for someone else to clean it up. 

I thought about the crazy accomplishments I've done. 

I thought about the incredible moments I've been lucky enough to experience. 

I thought of every moment I felt loved, happy, blessed, and just uncontrollably laughing. 

I thought of the pain, the loss, and the fear I have. 

Then for a brief second, I thought about letting go, I thought about stopping the struggle, I contemplated giving up. 

When the darkness circled, and the pain became too great, I was alone and terrified thinking I was going to die, so in comfort, I told myself I wasn't going to die like this. I reminded myself of the things I wasn't ready to leave behind. I made a deal with myself to be myself and to stop hiding. I promised I'd be open, and vulnerable. I promised I'd share my story, that I'd help others. I promised all this would be worth it. 

Why am I telling you this? Maybe it seems a bit too personal? I'm sure many people will think so. 

I'm writing this because we live in a world where we should be more connected than ever, and somehow we are the most disconnected group of humans (on average) that I'm sure has ever walked the planet. 

I'm telling you this because that evening scared the shit out of me. 

I'm telling you this because those moments changed my life. 

I'm telling you this because you are not alone in those terrifying thoughts. 

To the moment when I thought I was dying, you didn't win. To all the bad days, I've had, you didn't win. To all those who have tried to tear me down, you didn't win. 

I won. I choose to keep winning, in the small victories of life. 

Each day that I get back and keep fighting I'm winning. When the days are too hard and I stay in bed, I'm still winning.  Lately, I'll be honest, I haven't had too many days when I feel like a fighter. I've had more days of wanting to give in, I've had the darkest thoughts of my life. But none of those won, because I'm choosing to win, I choose to fight for my life, my health, and the future I want. 

This isn't a success story, this is an under-construction story.

We all are.