Living Life Under 5 Foot

When I was a little girl, and it was recess I would run straight for the swing set. Teina, Josi, Dallin, and I would hurry our butts out to get the swings that we knew could go the highest. Then we would swing. We would jump off (sometimes get in trouble) and continue to swing. It became a place of peace for me. I never needed to worry about anything else other than pumping my legs, holding on, and letting go at the right time. I remember having major conversations on those swing sets, I remember tears, loneliness, happiness, and friendship. Lately, when I close my eyes I'm right back on that swing set, enjoying every moment of recess. Why is it that when we grow up we naturally leave the things that brought us peace and comfort as children? Why do we feel like we need something more in order to "properly" take care of our selves? Something so simple would bring such peace, and now in a time in my life where peace seems to be the last thing I can find, tod...

! I'm just a girl sitting here, wondering about the mysteries of the universe. I sat outside on a starry night under the blood wolf super moon waiting to feel the change the air has inside of it. "I'm searching for authentic, true, and loyal people who deeply love me." I whisper to myself as my shutter clicks. I felt the change I was seeking start to take root, I knew it would soon grow, but I was not prepared for what it would bring. I was not prepared to have you standing in the sun. There was no way I planned that there would be no more shadows surrounding who you were, and more so who I was in relation. The change in the air, brought in the truth I needed to visualize what was happening. Since that moment a shift has happened, to me, in clarity. It was like the blinders were ripped off and I was thrust in to the brightness of the noon day sun. I could see everything, there's no shadows, no more questions, no more doubt, only knowl...

2 2018 went by in a blur. And not in a bad way. It just sped past, as quickly as time would allow. So now I'm sitting here in an airport looking at the calendar and seeing 2019 stare directly back at me. As I'm prepping this year for certain goals, and ways I want to better myself, my business, my friends, and my relationships, I can't help but think of you. Each January as it rings in a new year, there's a tiny hole in my heart that feels so much bigger. There's sections of my life that I get so excited for, and then there's the date... the date I dread. The date that no matter how much I pretend it's not coming, or that it's just a number, that I'll somehow forget the day I lost you. This airport is busy, everyone is walking so fast, running around, getting grumpy and rushing to make their flights after the holidays, no one is sitting still, or cuddling together, in fact I've seen very few hands being held other than a rather good esc...

People spend their whole lives searching for the elusive happiness, however what they don't understand is they posses it in themselves and have had it captive for as many years as they are searching for it. When people say happiness is a choice, they mean it. This life sucks sometimes. Hearts become casualties, lovers turn to strangers, best friends pass away, and worst of all sometimes we lose sight of our happiness. For me, happiness is a struggle. I tend to wear my emotions very visibly, maybe this is a good thing, but that also means when I'm aching, it's hard to choose happiness. I want to hide under a blanket and never surface. I would almost always choose to hide then to show my vulnerable side. This could most likely be a flaw within myself, a flaw that I am working on for sure. However it also shows my true self, and sometimes my true self doesn't choose happiness, because I'm human, and humans occasionally suck. But the wonderful thing about happines...

There are times when I want to share my joys, my funnies, and my jokes with you. I feel it in my heart and know how much you'd love it. Sometimes I think back to the life we had, and how filled with life you were. I'm finding new friends, and I always remember you, But tonight, especially, I'm missing you. There is a piece of my soul, that can never be returned You were that spot, and it's okay for me to feel this way, ' You wouldn't want me to be this sad, and I'm mostly strong these days. But tonight I'm missing you. I'll always be your brave girl, for this is different than I've ever had to deal with. I can't talk to people about it, and I shouldn't still cry about it. I need to be the strong woman you raised, I know I need to carry on I know how I should act, But tonight I'm just a little sad, tonight I'm just a little hurt, and tonight I want nothing more than to talk to you. When life gets a little harder, ...

There are times when I want to share my joys, my funnies, and my jokes with you. I feel it in my heart and know how much you'd love it. Sometimes I think back to the life we had, and how filled with life you were. I'm finding new friends, and I always remember you, But tonight, especially, I'm missing you. There is a piece of my soul, that can never be returned You were that spot, and it's okay for me to feel this way, ' You wouldn't want me to be this sad, and I'm mostly strong these days. But tonight I'm missing you. I'll always be your brave girl, for this is different than I've ever had to deal with. I can't talk to people about it, and I shouldn't still cry about it. I need to be the strong woman you raised, I know I need to carry on I know how I should act, But tonight I'm just a little sad, tonight I'm just a little hurt, and tonight I want nothing more than to talk to you. When life gets a little harder, ...

They say a girl marries her father.  Well luckily mine is the best daddy in all the land. Now that's not saying he's perfect, because he's not. In fact, he is flawed, very flawed. At times I questioned my need for a father, I doubted his honest caring, and I felt the impact of his absence. It was rocky, and difficult to maintain at times, but isn't that what love is? But the fact is, he taught me how to love, and if you don't believe me, I have proof, with pictures!  1) When I was a little girl my dad took me on a daddy daughter date. We walked around, and talked, we got ice cream and played at a park. It wasn't anything special and he didn't buy me the world, but he showed me the value of communication. 2) When I was a bratty tween he travelled 8 hours one way every other week to see me. Even if I didn't / couldn't see him. Sometimes he would drive all the way up just to turn around a drive back. This wasn't a huge thing to...

Today is one of those days.  One of those days when my mind returns to previous years.  It turns to a laughter thats so contagious you soon would be laughing tears.  My mind turns to memories of growing up. Of spending as much time in the sun as possible.  It turns to old days when you weren't so far away.  I smile when I think of the time you made fun of me losing my voice.  The popsicles we would sneak before, during, and after hours. When they say "everything happens for a reason." I always pray that they are right. Because right now, this doesn't feel like a reason, more over it feels like torture.  When people tell me I will see you again, it hurts me to my very core. Because sometimes when I close my eyes, you are not gone from this life. Sometimes my best friend is right beside me.  But today, I'm reminded, you are not.  And I can't help but feel the sting of the hole you left in my life. So e...

I can recall all the times I've cried. I know that sounds silly, but hey, I'm a little odd. I can remember crying when I was a child over my cousin biting my teddy bears head off. I cried when I moved to Canada. I cried when I got attacked by a hornets nest. I cried when my cousin scared me so bad I fell out of my house. I cried the day I understood what it meant to be alone. And I cried when I lost you. I've cried in joy, in happiness, in fear,  sadness, and I've cried in grief. Some cultures think it's healthy to cry, to let out those emotions that are on the inside, yet our culture tends to frown upon tears as to some it seems like a showing of weakness. Me? I tried to not cry in public because crying hurts my eyes, it hurts my brain, and it thoroughly hurts my pride. To admit I'm feeling a pain I cannot express is a difficult thing to measure up to. Yet sometimes without warning things that have been suppressed emerge through my eyes. But l...

I wouldn't classify myself as an overly emotional human. Some might even say unemotional. But Me? I say that's not true. I tend to show happiness and anger (very well) on a consistent basis. Well, this girl went to a children's movie called Inside Out (Warning there are spoilers throughout) Anyways, there I was sitting with my pop and popcorn and was expecting to be entertained. Instead I had my heart pulled out of my chest and placed nicely in my hands, making me feel as if this movie was about my life, and that I needed to examine it.  Needless to say this unemotional girl held back tears in a pixar movie. This is why. Grief. It's a hard emotion to wrap around. This film is about a girl who at the age of 12 gets uprooted from her life, moves across the country, losing relationships with all old friends, and barely being able to see her father. Basically all sense of stability is stolen from her. How the film continues is through the 'lives' of t...

We don't chose how we get hurt in life. But we do get a choice in who hurts us.  Forgive me for the lack of blogs lately, life has seemed to combust on the hinges and I didn't know what to write as emptiness filled my soul to the deepest parts. Then over the past few days I kept thinking, I need to do something. Therefore I went on a walk, and gathered some thoughts. Here are my raw thoughts.  I am not strong enough for the life that was given me. ( Now this is not a depression post.) But it's true. I'm not strong enough. In my weak moments when I'm alone, I sob. I hurt, and I sometimes can't move. I simply am not strong enough.  I know some of you are thinking that this cannot be the case because you see me climbing things, dancing, socializing, going to work, and carrying on with my life. And yes, I do do all those things. I accomplish them because of the people that are in my life that hold me up when I want to give up. I venture to hope I help oth...

Dear people of the blog world, please do not take the following as ranting, please finishing reading. This year has been..... unexpected. Hard in very different ways from last year. I mean last year stretched me, taught me, hurt me, and loved me. This year? It's almost broken me. Grief is one of the most powerful human emotions a brain and body can feel. Why is that you ask? It's because it's the only emotional pain that manifests itself physically. My grieving process was intensified by losing my grandpa Eric. Now go ahead and say whatever you want like, "well he lived a full life" or "he's out of pain" or "He's watching over you" or "how are you doing?" Any of those will get you a swift punch to the throat. Why? (you may ask) Because, it's my grief and you cannot tell me how to grieve. Those words aren't comforting. They don't fix the gapping hole in my life where a life used to be. I know those thin...

Two months down, and it feels like forever to go, and  not in the good way. PEOPLE OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!! Put down your phones, and spend time with people in your life. Open up to everyone. Life is too short to hold grudges, be angry, and be alone. Find people who bring happiness, and cherish every minute with them. At the end of the day it won't be the amount of money you've made that makes you happy. It's the memories that form in the unlikeliest of places. I don't often open up about things, but this week has me raw. My cousin Teina was such a dear, close friend. Sometimes I would say we were sisters. Our sense of humour was the same (which made telling jokes easy) She loved life, and loved people (even though she pretended to hate them) there was a happiness about her that I have yet to find with her begin gone, and I won't ever find it. Time doesn't heal us, time allows us to grow, learn, cope and develop. For the rest of my life I will miss my Teina, ...

Yes, that's the starting line to the theme song from the hit TV series Friends. Have I started watching it for the first time? Yes again. We are told since we are young that as we grow up we gain responsibility, maturity, happy memories, and we build a life. The things people tend to leave out is that life doesn't tell us the way all those will happen. We just know they will. As I have been mourning and dealing with my sweet cousins death, I watched friends, and heard that first line and realized that's how I felt. NO ONE TOLD ME. No one told me my life would look like this, I couldn't have guessed this is where I would be, or this is what I would have had to go through to get here.  I'm not saying my life is hard, because trust me, I don't want to poke that horse, life could be a lot worse, and thankfully it's not. But that doesn't mean we don't all hurt, or feel a little stolen in the way things turn out. When my friend Renzo was kill...

I've been taking this Bio class called environmental issues, and to put it lightly, there's not a whole lot that I like about it. However I found something useful this week, maybe something that touched me more than it should have. There are different types of changes in the environment. For example: Resilience :  is the ability for the environment to bounce back after something drastic happens. Like a tornado, or a hurricane. Let's put this into people's lives, this is like a break up, or the ending of a friendship. It hurts, it even devastates you but give it time, all things will go back to it's natural state. However long that takes, it will heal. You will heal. Then.. There's a change called a state shift . This is uncommon in the environment, because of it's tragic and lasting effects. A state shift means no matter how hard the environment tries, it will never be how it was before, it's changed and can't be reversed. Now let's ...

Grief is a part of life. Something that none of us can escape. Me? I tend to think I'm bad at grieving. Let me explain. I'm really good at distracting, putting up a happy face, and being strong for those around me. I'm incredibly good at masking certain emotions, and even better at helping others forget their grief. But when I'm alone, it all hits me, and then I don't know how to deal. Let me start at the beginning. Teina was born June 16 1993 to Rod and Sherylin Lowry. We had many things in common, like our dark hair, we both had dark eyes, loved our Grandpa Atwood,  She liked volleyball, I did as well, We both played soccer, and liked to scare our moms with random stuff we would do. She was a good baby, and well I was not. Fast Forward- we were both 7 and Aunt Sherylin had the lovely joy of taking care of both of us, Teina the quiet one (at the time) and me (the not so quiet one). Oh the adventures we had, the games we created. Sometimes we would drive my ...

I have been pondering this post for quite a while. For many reasons. One of which I want it to be different than last year ( Summing it up through songs ) but I also didn't want to be too personal with it. Now, I think I've got the best idea for how to end this. I call it my 2014 mantra. Here it goes.  I've learned not everyone can be trusted, that not everyone will love you back, and maybe they might not even like you. I've learned you can survive a broken heart even when the pieces never fit together again. I've learned many will use, abuse, and hurt you. Some will step on you to get ahead. Not everyone you love will help you to be better, and family isn't the only support. I've learned standing up after you've fallen is more important than the fall itself.  But mostly I've learned that through everything there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There are people who will help you. Others will love you! And some will change the course ...

In case you don't know yet, I love using song lyrics as titles. Maybe it's because some song lyrics just hit a place in my heart and mind, then stay there. Or maybe I'm a weirdo.  Take your pick.  Lately, sleep has seem to leave me. Which gives me too much time to think. Lately, I think about life. Choices that I could have chosen to do something different. Conversations which could have changed the way life has occurred, situations I could have avoided. Then I found myself in this downward spiral of sadness, and of regret. So tonight; I did something different. I thought of the wonderful times. The times I laughed so much that my sides hurt. Funny stories, noises, and all the adventures of the beginning. I thought of conversations that made my heart skip a beat, and moments I wanted to pause. This had no regret, this had happiness, and wonderfulness. This had love. Memories have a weird way of hurting, and being lovely all at the same time. I don't get it...

Today was one of those days.....  The kind of day that I miss you so terribly, and I can't fathom the distance since I was last with you.  Today was one of those days.... The kind of day that I wish I could pluck you from my dreams and dance with you one more time. Today was one of those days.... The kind that I wish heaven wasn't so far away.  My head turns to the thought of movement. Acceleration, and velocity.  My heart turns to the thought of life. Distance, and time. Every day we fight to move on from pains in our pasts. Love one's we've lost. Most days are good, but some days, are like today. Talking with my sweet Eric in the extend-a-care is something I cherish. We talk (as much as he can) about life, and mostly the life that we has lived. We talk of memories, and things that make us smile. Today, we talked about you. It slipped my mind the years it's been, because today, it felt like it had been a day. As I drov...

I had to wait a day to figure out how I wanted to verbalize this. 1 year ago 4 people from my small town were killed in a car accident. One of which was my really close friend Renzo. He would always joke around  about us getting married, and things like that. He would live funny notes on my car, always give me a hug when he saw me, and try non stop to make me smile. It worked. Even since his death even the memories make me smile. Here's the thing, the year of firsts is over. Which means the year of new things can happen. Wallowing isn't good. Even though you try to be good and faithful in this life, doesn't mean everything will always be all peachy keen. In fact the more faithful you are the more the adversary tries to cut you down. Here's the thing though. He won't have power over me. This last year has been one of the hardest, most heart breaking, painful, horrible years I have ever had (and that's saying worse then the divorce, worse then the bone...