6 Things I Learned from Dating the Wrong Person

Sometimes we get it wrong. We simply get it wrong. On occasion it's because we are too stubborn to admit we are wrong, other  times its because we just didn't know. But just because we got it wrong doesn't mean we have to stay in pain for the rest of our young lives. It doesn't mean our hearts will be shattered forever.

You know that saying, the one everyone says when you break up? It goes a little like this, 'At least you learned something.... right?' Gosh. Doesn't that phrase piss you off? Yes, it bothers me as well. It takes time, TONS of time before a glimmer can even happen.

After dating a man for almost two years, and being alone for the past year, I have decided to try what they all say, and figure out what I learned. Here are the ramblings of a stressed out college girl piecing her life together.

Lesson 1: Not all the time is it a 'me' problem. 

A relationship takes two willing adults to make it function. No matter how hard you try, if your partner isn't willing to love, forgive, move on, and grow, your relationship isn't going to work and that's not a you problem. That's a them problem. The worst part, you can't fix them, you can't change them, YOU can't do anything. Sometimes the only thing you can do it to walk away. This is fine to do, you can take control of you life. Dating and marrying are some of the biggest decisions of your life, be cautious, stubborn, and selfish in these times. Find someone that when things arise it becomes a "we can get through this together" problem.
If you are in a relationship like this, it may be the wrong person for you, and that's okay. There are 7 Billion people on this planet a whole ton of them will be the wrong person.

Lesson 2: You deserve to be Happy, like all the time. 

Being in love should be the best feeling in the world, it should be blissful, happy, and completing. You choose who you stay in love with. This is where you have the control. Are you choosing to stay in love with the wrong person? Does this person make you feel blissfully happy more often then not? I used to say in my old relationship, the good times were great, and the bad times were terrible. Roller coasters are not a relationship. It should be more like a Ferris wheel. If you are constantly on edge, scared, grabbing at things, or waiting for the next 'up'. Chances are you are with the wrong person.
I learned that life is short, and the person you love should make you happy. You should be happy every single day of the year, and if you aren't something is wrong.

Lesson 3: Trust Should be Assumed Not Questioned. 

There are many things that make a relationship work, but no relationship in the history of mankind works without trust. When you are dating someone, trust should be freely given both ways. If for some reason it's not there, it will be a thorn in your relationship doomed to fester and cause problems. There are ways to regain trust after it's broken by proving that one is worthy of the trust. However, from the beginning anyone is worthy of trust, they haven't done anything. If from the start trust is not given you need to take a hard look at why you aren't giving or receiving the trust.
For me about 14 months in I asked my significant other if he trusted me. When he replied with no, I was shattered. It hurt more than anything else I had been in. He went on to speak about something that happened between us before we were dating and how because of that he would never be able to fully trust me. How we managed that long still astounds me, but after that point it because detrimental to our relationship when I realized I was giving trust, but not receiving it.

Lesson 4: Jealousy isn't part of your personality.  

I used to feel that jealousy was just part of someone you learn to accept and understand and work with. However that's not that case. There is no place in your brain where jealousy comes from your personality. It's created and even worse it's a choice. Jealousy comes from numerous reasons but the main one is insecurities stemming from lack of trust in the relationship. Whether it be trust in yourself or your partner. Jealousy needs to be shut down. There shouldn't be any jealousy if you have a trusting relationship, and if you didn't have that, why date them?

Lesson 5: It should lift you up, not weigh you down

After leaving the wrong person I found myself wanting to accomplish so much more. I found dreams, excitement, and travel opportunities. Then one day a dear friend told me, "You know you are with the wrong person when you leave them and feel that. Being with the right person should allow you to feel that freedom consistently." Then I got thinking, why have I found this new love of life, and adventures? Is it because something was no longer weighing me down? I believe that to be the case.

I've been told when you find Mr. Right its the same freeing feeling. Accomplishments will come, life speeds up, and together you can conquer the world. If you are with someone who has different or no goals, or somebody that insists you put limits on your life, that doesn't make them a bad person, but it defiantly makes them the wrong one. Surround yourself with those who give you wings, not those who say flying is impossible. You will find that freedom I talk about.

Lesson 6: To love conditionally is to fail, unconditional will last.

The way I grew up made it hard for me to understand the concept of unconditional love. I assumed as long as you were pleasing someone it's easy for them to love you. But the thing with all relationships is there will be bumps, frustrations and disagreements. In those times the love should continue because of the general respect and mutual friendship that is created. I always had a fear of sharing my deepest and darkest secrets for fear of losing him. When at the end of the day, I lost him either way because he refused to allow secrets to come out.
Love is the joining of two hearts, two souls, two lives, two viewpoints, and you mesh them together and make the work based on unconditional love. When strings come attached to every nice deed and comforting moment, they quickly lose their value. Leave the people behind who you feel the need to impress, and walk on egg shells around them. Find that person who will love you unconditionally and return the same favour.

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---- I post the below picture because this is so much more than it looks. This was my first travel adventure, and when I started finding new dreams, and beginning my process of learning. 

If you know, think, or feel you are with the wrong person, you can leave. You can find the right person for you, that fits qualities you are looking for. But you can't find the right person, if you don't have the right you! Be what you are looking for! Like I said, these lessons didn't come all at once, and heck, sometimes I still question losing the man I loved, but at the end of the day, I am happier than I ever was. There is something bigger and better out there in this world, and you deserve to share it with someone who wants to share it with you! -----

Loves, 

Shay!