Dear people of the blog world, please do not take the following as ranting, please finishing reading.
This year has been..... unexpected.
Hard in very different ways from last year. I mean last year stretched me, taught me, hurt me, and loved me. This year? It's almost broken me.
Grief is one of the most powerful human emotions a brain and body can feel. Why is that you ask?
It's because it's the only emotional pain that manifests itself physically.
My grieving process was intensified by losing my grandpa Eric. Now go ahead and say whatever you want like, "well he lived a full life" or "he's out of pain" or "He's watching over you" or "how are you doing?" Any of those will get you a swift punch to the throat.
Why? (you may ask)
Because, it's my grief and you cannot tell me how to grieve. Those words aren't comforting. They don't fix the gapping hole in my life where a life used to be. I know those things to be true, but it doesn't make hearing them any easier.
Yes, a young untimely death hurts and destroys, but any death hurts; just in different ways.
I thought I was preparing for my sweet grandpa Eric to pass away, I thought I was ready, I thought I could handle it. The truth of the matter, I was not ready, I am not ready, and I never would have been ready.
My life growing up was EVERYWHERE. It was hard, and dysfunctional. Then I met my speech teacher Yvonne and her husband Eric, soon they took me in and I claimed a whole new family. Over the past 2 years, I've spent almost every day with him at some point. Whether it be after school, after work, before dates, after dates, or on Sundays. When I was so excited about something, I went to tell him. When I got stressed with classes, I went to see him, and we would study together. When I was hurting beyond all hurts, I cried by his bed. He supported me, loved me, and kept me from falling apart when it seemed everything else always was.
Now it brings us to today, 2 weeks since his passing. 14 days. 336 hours. My life changed again. It hurt again, and it brought up old pains. Only this time, when I'm so distraught that I want to hide, I can't. Because he's not there. I'm finding myself in the midst of another state shift.
I wish I could say I know how to get out of it. I wish I could give you the map to grieving and how to function through. Right now the only advice I have is the following.
It's okay to hurt.
That's all I have. I know some of you are reading this, and maybe experiencing grief of your own (on whatever level it may be). Tell yourself that it's okay to hurt and hurt however much you are hurting, because pretending like it doesn't hurt, only seems to bring more pain.
I'm convinced that other people are placed on this earth to help us no matter what ways, they always help us. That means it's our responsibility as a human to help, not hurt each other. We are all facing battles, and struggles, is it really our place to tell anyone what, or how they are allowed to feel pain. We are here to help with happiness not hinder with hatred.
This year has been..... unexpected.
Hard in very different ways from last year. I mean last year stretched me, taught me, hurt me, and loved me. This year? It's almost broken me.
Grief is one of the most powerful human emotions a brain and body can feel. Why is that you ask?
It's because it's the only emotional pain that manifests itself physically.
My grieving process was intensified by losing my grandpa Eric. Now go ahead and say whatever you want like, "well he lived a full life" or "he's out of pain" or "He's watching over you" or "how are you doing?" Any of those will get you a swift punch to the throat.
Why? (you may ask)
Because, it's my grief and you cannot tell me how to grieve. Those words aren't comforting. They don't fix the gapping hole in my life where a life used to be. I know those things to be true, but it doesn't make hearing them any easier.
Yes, a young untimely death hurts and destroys, but any death hurts; just in different ways.
I thought I was preparing for my sweet grandpa Eric to pass away, I thought I was ready, I thought I could handle it. The truth of the matter, I was not ready, I am not ready, and I never would have been ready.
My life growing up was EVERYWHERE. It was hard, and dysfunctional. Then I met my speech teacher Yvonne and her husband Eric, soon they took me in and I claimed a whole new family. Over the past 2 years, I've spent almost every day with him at some point. Whether it be after school, after work, before dates, after dates, or on Sundays. When I was so excited about something, I went to tell him. When I got stressed with classes, I went to see him, and we would study together. When I was hurting beyond all hurts, I cried by his bed. He supported me, loved me, and kept me from falling apart when it seemed everything else always was.
Now it brings us to today, 2 weeks since his passing. 14 days. 336 hours. My life changed again. It hurt again, and it brought up old pains. Only this time, when I'm so distraught that I want to hide, I can't. Because he's not there. I'm finding myself in the midst of another state shift.
I wish I could say I know how to get out of it. I wish I could give you the map to grieving and how to function through. Right now the only advice I have is the following.
It's okay to hurt.
That's all I have. I know some of you are reading this, and maybe experiencing grief of your own (on whatever level it may be). Tell yourself that it's okay to hurt and hurt however much you are hurting, because pretending like it doesn't hurt, only seems to bring more pain.
I'm convinced that other people are placed on this earth to help us no matter what ways, they always help us. That means it's our responsibility as a human to help, not hurt each other. We are all facing battles, and struggles, is it really our place to tell anyone what, or how they are allowed to feel pain. We are here to help with happiness not hinder with hatred.
I keep this close to my heart, because when I feel my world shifting, and my eyes filling with tears, I remember the soft words he would say to stabilize me. He would grab my hand and say,
"We are gunna make it."
You are beautiful. You have a beautiful soul. xxx
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