Incurable

!

Prologue: 
I've been contemplating if I was going to post this, because it's so personal, too raw, and I didn't want it to be attention gathering. Then a dear friend of mine told me we only go through things alone when we keep everything to ourselves and stay alone.

So here it is.


Chapter 1: Raw and Emotional. 

I've been reading so many success stories, and seeing all these motivational quotes, and everything that tells us to keep going. That failure doesn't define us. I've seen the pictures that show all that successful people who have made it through hell, and back and somehow have come out on top. We call them fighters, survivors. We live in this world where we focus on that end of the spectrum that when we are in the thick of the hell.. it's almost more isolating.

I'm sick of hearing "You're a fighter, you'll make it through this."

or "Everything you go through will make you stronger.

While I'm not arguing with the truth of these statements I am arguing with how unhelpful they are when you are walking down the dark paths of life. When right now there isn't an end in sight. When you're trying your hardest to keep things together but the scared child in you is crying every night.

Why don't we talk about the hell? Because it's uncomfortable? Because it's depressing? Because no one really wants the truth of how you are doing? Why do we spend so much time telling people it'll all be okay, rather than sitting there and supporting them when they don't feel okay. Why do we focus on that end goal of "success" more so than the struggles?

The struggles are when we need each other, not in the wins. We need each other in those low moments. When you are laying on the floor and can't move. When the world as you know it is crumbling around you. When you are stuck in a dark hole with only a shovel. These moments should be talked about as well. The loneliness of chronic illnesses, the heartbreak of grief, the uncomfort of failure, all these are times that should be talked about, but instead, we are in a culture where if we pretend that isn't happening then it's not.

We say things like, "It'll work out in the end, and make you a stronger person." But that doesn't help the current situation. We know deep down that something will either kill us or it won't. So why can't the support be found in those moments when it's hard to be a fighter. When everyone is telling you "it could be worse" When for you this is the worst moment.

Having to be a "fighter" in life isn't easy. It's not a motivational quote, it's dark and miserable at times. Other times you don't feel like you want to fight anymore, it takes too much energy and time.

With May almost concluding and that being Mental Health Month I thought I would share some thoughts on the subject. We are starting to build a more empathetic world than our parents left us, this new generation really is focusing on Self-love, and the care for everything around us. We are talking more about our problems then we are running from them, but we also have it way easier to hide from them.

Mental health affects every single person. Let me say that again. EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON. is affected by mental health. Whether you are healthy, or in the dark place it's your mental health that keeps you moving, getting up in the morning, or sometimes just enough to roll over in bed.

Right now, if you are reading this, I challenge you to reach out to anyone, and either

A) ask them honestly about a situation and don't stay stupid stuff like "You're strong you'll make it through" LISTEN, HEAR, BE PRESENT. Feel what they feel. Push your vulnerability. Be a person for someone.

or

B) If you need help, message someone, tell them you just need to talk. Ask them to just listen, or to distract you, or to come hold you while you cry. Admit when you need help, or when you can't keep it together anymore.

or

C) If you are not ready accept help, or it seems out of reach, be real with yourself, listen to your emotions, your thoughts, and your soul. Be soft with yourself. It's okay to not push yourself for a day. It's OKAY to just be.



The older I get the more I see life as less and less fair, it's a little random at times, and other times it just is completely miserable and not at all what we want. It's dark and lonely.

Life is incurable.


Being a fighter is exhausting.

Behind all the successes, there are other people in the dark spaces together, just not willing to admit it. It's okay to stop focusing on the "light at the end of the tunnel" and pay a little more attention to the hell you are walking through.

It's hard to be motivational and strong for everyone when it seems like everything is coming unhinged. Sometimes it just might be impossible.


If you don't want to feel uncomfortable and hear some of my more depressing thoughts, please stop reading right now. If you are okay to read them, continue.


Chapter 2: I'm not a fighter right now.

I've spent the better part of my adult life pushing through everything life gave me. I feel like I've always fought to be functional. From dealing with mother trauma to being heavily abused, to being completely abandoned, to the death of my best friend,  I've always fought for my place. I've always sought people who love me and would support me. I've never saw myself as a quitter. I always would tell myself, "you are a fighter."

However, I think I've finally hit my breaking point. Rock bottom if you will.

I no longer feel like a fighter, right now by definition I most likely would be called a quitter. I'm sick of all the crap that life has been heaping on me. I'm annoyed that I feel like I've had to go through so much and there's rarely breathing room between it all. I'm sick of it.

I'm mad, and my soul is hurting. My spirit to fight is crushed, and I'm overwhelmed.

I'm not a fighter right now. I'm not a beacon of strength or the success story that people share. Right now I'm failing, and I'm letting everything fail. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting, of proving myself, of staying positive. Right now I just want to pout. I want to cry. I am throwing myself a massive pity party.

Disclaimer: before you start worrying too much about me.. I'm not suicidal or in any way overly depressed. I'm just opening up about my feelings. I'm talking about that dark place that we gloss over when it comes to success stories. I'm talking about that beginning part of every superhero movie where everything bad happens before the good.

I'm just in that place, I'm in that struggle bus zone of pain, and sadness. Of grief and loss. I'm in the place where fighters are born, and I'm scared to leave it.

I know I have what it takes.

I know I will make it through this.

I know I'm not alone.

I know all the sayings about how this will make me stronger, and I'll be okay.

I KNOW all that.

But RIGHT NOW. Here in this very moment, I'm not okay and I don't know when I will be.

I don't know when the fighter inside me will start again.

I don't know who I will be after all this.

I don't know how to cope with everything life has given me.


I'm just talking to open up the conversation we are all so desperately talking about on social media. We all want the conversations to start around mental health, and life, and support, but no one is doing anything about it.


So I'm starting it.

I'm not a fighter right now. I'm not okay.