Returning Back To Me

!

Lately I've been having this weird sense of apathy.

Then that compounded into loneliness.

Which in turn became sadness and created this feeling that I had lost myself.

Like I was just going through the motions. My body was here but my mind wanted to be elsewhere. 

Eventually when I looked in the mirror I know longer saw the happy go lucky, free woman I've been striving to become. It's like everything I was working towards was leading me away from who I wanted to be. I left my room feeling empty and more-so frustrated at everything.

Friends during this time didn't understand what was happening because I wasn't talking about it. Therefore I wasn't seeking help, instead I was seeking isolation.

One bad night turned into a full 7 days of this horrible feeling that stayed in the corners of my mind. Finally one night where I felt completely unvalidated and alone, I knew I needed to take matters into my hands if I was going to pull myself from this funk I had created.

So yesterday I took a day to confront my demons.

I worked out.

I did yoga.

I meditated.

But more importantly I reminded myself that I am enough for me.

Today, I'm drained, almost on an emotional hang over. But I'm moving forward in a better direction. Forcing myself to meet new friends, actively trying to maintain relationships, and more so, I'm giving myself time to feel. Which suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. 

Here's what I came up with.

So often I brand myself as someone who doesn't have emotions (thank you to all the ex boyfriends who have told me that) That it's almost like when I have emotions I feel childish, and I hide them away from anyone including myself. It's like my feelings aren't worth anything to me. I've been doing this to myself since I was a little kid. I guess I could blame it on the way I was raised, I could blame it on bad circumstances in my growing years, but more so I'm blaming it on me for not taking the chance to feel pains, accept them, and move past them. I'm taking the blame because I'm a grown adult who is scared of feeling... what am I.. the grinch?

Even though I don't feel validated by outside sources currently, I can learn to self validate. (Something I guess should have happened a long time ago but oh well)

I'm getting around to it. Do you want to see the process I came up with?

Every morning I'm going to take 5 minutes to look myself in the mirror and I say 5 affirmations. (I'll only share 2 with you as the others are incredibly personal)

1) I am beautiful and lovely with the ability to heal and love.

2) I am all I need to accomplish all I want.

Then after that I make some breakfast. Lately I've been on a kick of oats, honey, cinnamon and bananas.

During the day I allow my brain to become fully intrenched in my work, as I've found I've become more productive and creative for the clients I have.

Then on my way home, I tell myself something that I am proud of that I did that day. (yesterday I was proud that Alibi and I went on a 3 mile walk.)

Then finally.. right before bed..

I stretch out my hip flexors (cause you can never stretch them too much) and then I take 5 minutes, and I tell myself my affirmations again.

I end my night by saying sweet dreams to a sweet person and I close my eyes.

So far I'm just over 24 hours in.. and I'm feeling a difference in how I feel myself. I'm allowed to feel hurt by mean words friends say (even though they are having a bad day it still hurts) I'm allowed to feel lonely when others have their significant other and I'm holding Alibi. I'm allowed to feel happy when I'm successfully edited a video, photo, got a new client, or anything that I'm working to build. But more so I'm allowed to have emotions without being branded by society as an "emotional driven woman" because there is nothing wrong with that and brands suck. 

Why do we force the labels others give us to stick? 

That's going to be a whole different though process though. 

I'm finding a way to return my sense of me back. I've always been so wrapped up in my friends, family, fitness, and work that I rarely have time to just sit, and be alone. Lately, I've been forced too and I guess that's where my funk started. There's no hiding or running anymore. I am choosing to face my problems, and pains head on.